2018 has been by far the most difficult year of my life, I’m surprised that it has been such a challenge for me and I’m genuinely surprised that I didn’t drop out of the course as recommended by the university. I have a strong belief in never giving up on something unless it is physically or mentally impossible to continue. Therefore, after much discussion, and numerous comments by peers, tutors and health professionals I decided to keep my head in the game, the game that went from Hard Mode to INSANE mode. I decided not to quit my part-time job, I decided not to take a year out and return to the course a year later, these decisions I made, without the prodding of anyone else. I felt that it would make me a much stronger person if I can say that regardless of my father dying, regardless of the onset of depression and regardless of my overall anxieties – that I could keep moving forward and get back in the direction I was heading.
I’ll be completely open and honest with you, as I have consistently been throughout my blogs – I took a big knock this year, a big knock. My confidence has (as undramatic as possible) taken a shelling from the bombs that have gone off this year. I don’t quite feel myself, I’m not quite sure of myself, but what I am sure of is that I want to get the best grade possible, I want to get into the firm, and I want to pursue my global career. My worry now is that my mental capacity for learning has taken the pressure of the emotional drain of the death and other things. My struggle isn’t now with how I feel about life, how I perceive my future – instead its about how I learn three entire topics in the space of a month and prepare to hit those exams to achieve the best possible outcome. I guess this is the next big challenge I must meet and what I’ve noticed is that people really care, people really want to help! There are a few people on my course, now finished and graduated, who are helping me to understand the subject more easily, and who are willing to take time out of their busy schedules to assist with the teaching of the relevant materials, its fantastic! I only hope they know how much I appreciate their advice, and their guidance during this time. These are the people in the world who are willing to help others, to no self-gain, and enjoy helping.
Alongside the help of my peers, I have university help from the mental health service, from my Disability Students Support Worker and my tutors – who all support me in my desire to complete this course, and come out in September with that much needed ‘Merit’ grade. This is something I am not only pursuing for the benefit of my future career with the firm, but it’s something that I want to achieve for my own self-respect. I think that’s rather important. If we have goals that we wish to reach, in the pursuit of our own happiness, our own sense of self-respect and an overall sense of achievement – we are bettering ourselves in the best way possible. We are engaging with the notion that there are serious things we want to do with our lives, and we are passionate about achieving those things. I guess that when I finally get to my goal, I’ll feel a sense of release, a sense of pride and that’s important. Now I’ve just got to work as hard as I can, and hope that I manage to achieve that much needed ‘Merit’ so that I can continue on my path, otherwise I’ll be sent down another. Wish me luck!
What helped you to keep pursuing your goal?
I asked myself this – Am I feeling so low that there is literally no point even leaving my room? I decided that I felt genuinely sad, genuinely disappointed in myself (for personal family related reasons), but I didn’t feel so low to the point where I wanted to lock myself away forever. In fact, I felt different about the world, I felt that reality sucks. My beliefs that very little bad will ever happen to me (naively) came to a halt, the reality was – the world is such a way that we live, and we die. We succeed, or we fail. There’s very little in between. For me, the idea of failure scared me, it shook me a little to think that I could lose everything I’d worked so hard for – by allowing a part of the life cycle to throw me off the track. Yes, I slipped off, yes, I took some time off, but I think that’s vital for reflection in life. You can’t have something bad happen to you and just shrug it off and get on with it, the severity of that ‘thing’ holds a certain weight on your life, and therefore a need for a length of time to deal with it. You fall over, you get hurt, that shit heals rapidly. You love someone, they die, that shit takes time to understand, and its vital for you to reflect, for you to think deeply about everything, but never allow it to consume you in negativity.
There are so many people out there commenting on this sort of struggle, because believe it or not (I didn’t believe it), everyone dies, and it will inevitably happen one day. Its no longer a niche topic that only a few bloggers address, in fact, its one of the topics that are well talked about. What I’m trying to do is not approach a niche topic generically, but instead address a generic topic with a niche approach.
My advice to you is this, whenever anything bad happens to you in your life, you have to decide in the moments after, how you want to deal with it, and understand the need for deep reflection, if the weight of it bears greatly on your shoulders. You just gotta keep moving forward!
Thank you again for reading!